Becky’s Story

Hi, I’m Becky Remley, founder of The Rainbow Project. In January 2021, I found out that I was pregnant for the 5th time with my rainbow baby Sterling. At the time I didn’t realize that I was in for the fight of my life to bring my sweet baby home. My journey into motherhood did not come easily nor “normally” compared to the average pregnancy. I’m the mother to three babies in heaven, a two time preeclampsia survivor, birth trauma survivor, c-section mama, NICU mom, and “hospital patient pro” after spending 48 days straight on hospital bedrest.

High Risk Pregnancy

I entered this pregnancy already being very high risk due to my history of preeclampsia and chronic hypertension. In 2017, I was pregnant with my first baby, a daughter named June. At 26 weeks along, I was suddenly struck by preeclampsia. This resulted in my immediate bed rest at home for 11 weeks, 5 hospitalizations, and a failed induction, resulting in an unplanned and traumatic c-section after 37 hours of labor. Somehow I made it to 37 weeks pregnant but the experience in itself was isolating, overwhelming, and filled with trauma. I remember after having June, I was still reeling from the traumatic experience I had just survived, totally consumed by my grief and anxiety. Numerous people in my life said the words “all that matters is you have a healthy baby now.” I remember thinking to myself, “if only it was that simple. If only I could will away the last 3 months”. This minimization of my experience stuck with me.

Sterling’s Birth Story

In November 2019 I set out on a journey to grow my family once more. I knew it could be risky but I knew we had a great team of medical professionals supporting me, and I would bravely take whatever was dealt to me with faith. What I wasn’t expecting was losing three babies that I had longed for so deeply. Babies whose tiny heartbeats I saw flicker on a screen and stop shortly later. Babies we would never get to take home but instead kept in a special tiny urn. I was shattered and consumed with grief.

In December 2020 I decided to seek care from a specialist and I quickly became pregnant with an IUI baby. I nervously held my breath at every ultrasound, every doctors appointment. As the weeks went on, my hope grew, maybe I would bring home my baby this time.

At 13 weeks along, my blood pressure began to rise. I had become chronically hypertensive after my first pregnancy. We chased my blood pressure for the next 14 weeks. My doctor warned me that a long term hospital stay was likely in my future. At 27 weeks, preeclampsia struck again. I was briefly hospitalized to receive steroid shots for my baby’s lungs, and was sent home on bedrest. Less than a week later, on June 22nd, my blood pressure spiked and was severely high. I was immediately sent to labor and delivery at the hospital. That day was the beginning of my journey as an antepartum patient in the women’s care unit. It was the last day I would sleep in my own bed for 48 nights. The last time I would drive a car for 63 days. The last time I would hug my daughter without being pushed in a wheelchair. It was the day my life was put on hold and I turned over my fate to a team of doctors. It was day 1 of 60 where I would consider the hospital my home.

My antepartum stay was initially filled with fear, anger, guilt, and sadness. I was angry that my body was failing me again. I was sad that I wouldn’t get to spend those last months with my daughter. I was sad that my son’s nursery would sit unfinished. I was terrified of the unknown surrounding when I would give birth and how prematurely my son would be born. I felt guilt that my daughter was going to sleep every night without her mom.

About a week into my stay, and so many emotions, I completely surrendered to my situation. I accepted that the hospital was where I was safe, where my baby was safe. I chose to have a good attitude. I chose to laugh and make jokes and make the best of a crappy situation. I embraced my nurses and loved them like we had been friends forever. I handed over control of my life to my sister and dad. I put the life of my son and myself into the hands of my doctors. This was all necessary and key to my survival for the next 2 months.

My journey as an antepartum patient ended on August 4th, 2021 when my son was born by repeat c-section. He was 34 weeks old and immediately whisked away to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). I would consider myself one of the lucky ones. I had kept my son inside for an extra 7 weeks, an unimaginable task when I was first hospitalized. I was alive and my baby survived.

Sterling’s NICU Journey

My son was hospitalized for the next 17 days and was released from the NICU on August 20th 2021. The hospital had been our home for 60 days straight. As I settled into life at home, I started reflecting on my stay in the hospital. This reflection was quickly met with postpartum depression and anxiety, which overtook me for the next 6 weeks. Sparing some of the details, this was a dark time in my journey, filled with guilt, sadness, and so much grief. I would describe the feeling as being dropped off a “medical cliff.” From being checked on every 4 hours and now sent home to brave the storm on my own, I was afraid.

When the fog parted and I could see clearly again, I yet again started reflecting on and processing my pregnancy and hospitalization. I realized how alone I really felt, how isolated I was, and how nobody understood what I was going through. In fact by that point in my postpartum journey, 99% of the people in my life had disappeared entirely. I felt anger for the friends who had abandoned me. I was hurt by the family who stole my peace. I felt grief for the normal pregnancy I longed for, my redemption pregnancy. I grieved the last 13 weeks of my pregnancy. I grieved the nursery I never got to assemble. I grieved the vaginal birth I couldn’t have. I grieved not being able to breastfeed my son. I grieved the normalcy I had hoped for.

Behind The Rainbow Project

As I grieved and healed in therapy, I started feeling the urge to pour my love and pain into helping other women who were in my shoes. After all, there was absolutely nobody in my life who understood what I was experiencing and who better to support antepartum women than an ante herself. As I developed the concept of an organization that would support antepartum women, my grief and sadness started to feel less heavy. In November 2021 my idea became a reality and The Rainbow Project was born.

My goal with The Rainbow Project is to wrap my arms around women who are experiencing a high risk pregnancy and an antepartum hospital stay, by gifting them care packages, practical survival advice, emotional support, and easy to access resources after baby is born. My hope is for these brave mamas to feel less alone.

Thanking Nurses

The Rainbow Project will regularly thank the nurses who work so hard to care for high risk women. Believe me, these are some of the most incredible, generous, loving, and badass women you will ever meet. I could not have survived without my nurses. They carried me over the finish line and I will forever be grateful for their loving care, jokes, and support during my antepartum stay.